Kannazuki no Miko: Inner Thoughts
by The RPGenius
Summary: Thanks to Seravy and Lemon Ranger Jolt for proofreading. Chikane reflects, Corona seethes, Girochi declares, Miyako preaches, Souma explains, Kazuki observes, Reiko speaks, Tsubasa raves, Nekoko lectures, and Himeko concludes.
1. Loving Sin

Disclaimer: I don't own Kannazuki no Miko, or Kannaduki no Miko, or whatever the heck you call it (stupid Japanese and their ridiculous words), nor do I profit from writing about it.

**Loving Sin**

_I am a damned soul_.

I know this. I won't fool myself into thinking otherwise. I know that my sins are beyond forgiveness by any mortal, any deity…even by the most forgiving, kind person to ever live.

Himeko. My great love, and sin. The woman I hurt.

When I caused her pain…when I raped her…I shot a mockingbird. I ripped the wings from an angel. I murdered a unicorn. I wounded the greatest purity I've ever known, could ever imagine, and damned myself with a sin as hideous as its victim is innocent.

I do realize that I have become a demon beyond redemption. But I try not to think about it. Instead, I focus on my goal, on striving toward it. I had a choice to make that night, and I knew I was damned either way.

I could stay silent about what I remembered and realized. Himeko and I would never revive Ame no Murakumo thanks to my own failure, and Souma would continue to be the only defense we had against the Orochi. A timed existence, whose only possible end would be Souma's eventual defeat or engulfment, leading to the destruction of everything…including Himeko.

Or I could choose the path I have, to be the sacrifice needed to save the world, to save Himeko's world and her with it. To make my beloved Himeko hate me, believe me a devil lost to darkness, and give her the strength of anger to take my life and thus save her own. And once the ritual is done, she can return to a happy, bright life with those she cares for, without the burden of regret for having slain the evil monster to bring it about.

When I inflict unspeakable cruelties on Himeko, I think only of saying my empty lines, only of the fact that what I do will save her and the world she loves. It is a perverse thing, to focus on my love for Himeko as I hurt her, and one more sin I must bear.

But whether or not I can bear to contemplate my deeds, even if my intention is to save and defend Himeko's life at the cost of mine, make no mistake…I do know that I am an evil creature for my actions, born of love or not. Only one person is pure enough to forgive such evil, and she is the one I endeavor to make myself unredeemable to.

I am Chikane. I damn myself for a love so intense that it is a cruelty to be touched by it.


	2. Jagged Edges of Broken Dreams

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, don't own the show, no money's made, so gimme no lawsuits, yo.

**Jagged Edges of Broken Dreams**

I hate it. _I hate it all_.

Why? Why did this happen?

I've dreamed of being a pop idol since I was a little girl. I wanted to sparkle, to be loved by everyone, like the ones I saw on TV, listened to, looked up to. I've worked my whole life to be one, to follow my dreams…I've given everything I have, always, and in the end, all I am is 71. The 71st most popular. I don't think they even keep track past 75.

Constant effort and sacrifice of time and happiness has gotten me to the bottom of the list. It's not _fair_! Dreams aren't supposed to work this way!

My teeth grind together and I clutch the sheets in helpless rage. I hate it. I _hate_ this!

Dreams shouldn't be this way. They shouldn't. It isn't _right_! I shouldn't have to go through fake motions of love and performing joy for my audience, stage tricks that have been coldly calculated for the best response! My joy and love should be _real_, damn it! I shouldn't have my worth decided by a chart of numbers. Dreams shouldn't _hurt_ you!

I can feel tears running down my cheeks. My fist tightens and my nails dig into my palm. This is my manager's fault. He's supposed to look out for me! He shouldn't have…have…

No, it's not his fault. He just made the suggestion, after all. Told me that the guy eying me at the concert was the 62nd on that loathsome list. Nine slots up. Just another nobody idol that's higher enough that he could help me, if he likes me. Talk to his own fans, get them interested in me, if he likes me. Probably bump me up to 69th, if he likes me. Maybe I could stretch it to get to 68th, if I really work hard. If he "_likes me_." That's what my manager suggested.

But I'm the one who did it. I'm the one who sold myself for two meaningless ranks. Three, if I really try hard.

He's sitting there now, smoking. He got what he wanted. He stole my last innocence just to use me for some cheap thrill. An empty, base lust, where he just ripped what he wanted from me as fast as possible. And I used him to further my own petty interests two insignificant steps. Does that make me as low as him, or him as vile as me?

I am Corona. I hate this sick world, where the greatest cruelties are your own dreams.


	3. Power Crafted in War's Forge

_Disclaimer_: Don't own the stuff, don't make the money, don't go to court.

**Power Crafted in War's Forge**

Might makes right.

Yeah, I know, it's an old saying, nothing new or original. But you know what? It's true. It's the ONLY truth, because any other can be unwritten by the strong. You can spend years building a life, a pleasant little existence you feel safe in. But what took years to build can be destroyed in _minutes_ by the will of the powerful.

That's what power is. REAL power. Reality is taking what you want from the weak, when you want it. Peaceful society? It's just a useful illusion the strong allow the weak to keep them happy to be helpless.

I was one of the weak, once. So long ago I barely remember any details past the scorn for what I was. I'd spent my whole life comfortable and weak, only knowing the petty concerns of empty day-to-day life. And then, one day, in just minutes, war touched my life and destroyed it entirely with bombs, destruction, and death. My physical survival meant nothing--it was just a fluke, that I alone stood alive while blood began creeping past my feet.

Sis can tell the story of why it happened. She's smart like that; she knows all those details they put in books about why wars and other bad stuff happen. But she's just spouting the weak's words like an educated parrot. _I_ know why it happened. The strong decided they wanted something from the weak, and they took it while reminding the weak how the world really works. And anyone, including Sis, who thinks otherwise just fools themselves.

She can go ahead and deny it if she wants, but it's like her silly religion. It talks about love and peace to keep the lambs in order, but in the end, what it's about is doing what God says because He's the most powerful and is gonna get what He wants one way or another.

Well, that's what I'm doing right now. Orochi knows how the world works. And Orochi is the strongest, so I do as it demands. Orochi wants this planet for its own, and it will have it, justified by its power alone. That's the way it works, and I can't say I'll miss this dishonest, shallow excuse for a world.

I am Girochi. All who oppose me will be crushed by my truth.


	4. The Neglected Flock

_Disclaimer_: You know the drill--because I don't own the show and its characters and don't profit off of them, I shouldn't be sued.

**The Neglected Flock**

God has abandoned us all.

This wretched world is too filled with darkness for even His light to save it. The true believer knows this, knows it firsthand. No longer will God intervene in our matters to guide us, help us, protect us from evil. He no longer strikes down aggressors and leads the innocent to safety from destructive wrath. There is no meaning to it, for we have fallen beyond redemption even from Him.

Those who think God is infallible are wrong. He made one, single mistake…when he gave us the power of choice. He gave us the gift of being able to choose to follow His words of love and peace, and humanity used that gift to choose to ignore Him. He begged and entreated us, promised and rewarded us, threatened and punished us, but all for naught--and so He has given up on us.

If God still watched over us, He would protect His children from the destructive follies of their choice to make war. If He still cared enough to intervene, the devout would be shepherded away from the dangers of conflict. If God still cared for the happenings on Earth, He would stop me from leading Orochi's efforts to eradicate it. He would give me the providence to resist Orochi's will…but only that foolish boy has been granted that strength, and not through divine aid, but through that which turned God away to begin with--the human will.

I am Miyako. God can find no reason to spare this world from Orochi's wrath, and so neither can I.


	5. True Devotion

_Disclaimer_: No ownership, no profit, no lawsuit, no problem.

**True Devotion**

I will do whatever it takes to help her.

I don't care about the pain Orochi punishes me with for defying it. Yes, it sears my mind, body, and soul with agony to resist its control. But it doesn't matter.

All that's important is Himeko. Her safety and happiness are all that matters to me, and I will do whatever it takes to guarantee them, regardless of how impossible.

It is strange, though, standing with her in Ame no Murakumo, going to battle. Strange for many reasons. This will be the first time I fight for her happiness, not just to protect her. I realized it yesterday, after Himeko told me that her determination, the will that had resurrected Ame no Murakumo alone, was born not from a desire to fight Himemiya, but just to see her, talk to her, understand her. In spite of everything that Himemiya's done to her, Himeko's faith in her is as adamant as ever.

Himeko loves Chikane. Completely and totally, the way I love Himeko. Her love gives her unbreakable faith the way mine gives me unbreakable will.

And that's the other strange thing. Even knowing this, nothing's changed at all for me. I love her, and I'll still do anything for her. _Nothing_ will sway me. The fact that my love isn't returned matters as little to me as Orochi's retribution. Less. I don't understand it, and I don't have to--I know what I want to do, and that's enough.

I don't know if Himeko's wise in this. I honestly can't see the glimmer of light in Himemiya that she can. But that's unimportant--Himeko needs to see her, confront her, to be happy, and so I swear I will carve a path to her Chikane for her.

I truly doubt I'll come back from this battle, and Kazuki agrees. I don't know how long I'll have until I'm engulfed by my curse, but it will _not_ be before I've completed my duty. _Nothing_ will stop me!

I am Souma. Fate and Circumstance matter not--my love and devotion for Himeko are indomitable.


	6. In Humanity We Trust

Disclaimer: Disclaimers are stupid. Obviously no one who writes fanfiction owns the series, or they wouldn't HAVE to write fanfiction for it; they could just write more of the series itself! And obviously, if they were going to profit from it, they wouldn't be posting it online for the entire world to see, but rather publishing it privately for selling purposes! Nonetheless, as it stands, I don't own the anime, and I don't profit off of writing for it.

**In Humanity We Trust**

These are disturbing times we live in.

The battle with Orochi should not have happened this way. Never before in the long history of defending the Earth against its recurring darkness have things happened this way. I have feverishly studied my ancestors' records since this catastrophe awakened again, and found nothing to explain it.

Orochi awakens, breaking free of the bonds placed on it, and gathers its eight necks to attack the world. The reincarnated priestesses awaken to their destiny with my family's guidance, and summon Ame no Murakumo. Using it, they crush Orochi's followers and seal it away once again for many, many years. One priestess then kills the other in order to work the hands of fate to return the world to what it should be, until they next reincarnate to continue the cycle. This is how it should be.

But now there have been upsets. One of Orochi's necks, my brother Souma, has done the impossible and turned against the dark god. The priestesses together could not summon Ame no Murakumo, yet against all possibility the Solar priestess did it on her own. And most disturbing of all, the Lunar priestess is also the Eighth Neck…and seems to have chosen the latter destiny over the former.

These are signs of the end. The end of these many cycles of battle, sacrifice, and reincarnation. A final resolution to this old conflict, to finally decide a winner in this ancient struggle.

And I fear that this final victory may be Orochi's. Without the priestesses working together to pilot it, I don't know if the Ame no Murakumo has the power to defy Orochi. I doubt it.

But beyond all reason, I feel hopeful now, as I watch Himeko and Souma go to a battle they surely cannot win. Yes, I have seen these many deviant events and know them to be omens of a disastrous end. Yet at the same time, I have witnessed unprecedented acts of selfless determination from both my brother and the Solar priestess. They have both accomplished staunchly impossible feats already…I cannot help but trust that they will do so again.

I am Kazuki. My role in this can be no more than he who watches, who guides…and who hopes.


	7. Failure's Student

_Disclaimer_: Don't own things, don't make money, don't want a lawsuit.

**Failure's Student**

I'm such a failure.

It hurts to know. It really does. It's a horrible, rolling stone weighing me down inside, making my breath shudder and squeezing tears from my eyes.

I stare down at the panels below me. My treasured creations, a page of my best book. This was my favorite. I loved the characters I'd made, the story they played out. I took pride in my skill at drawing it all out, at my meticulously-planned organizing of frames and pages. Maybe all it was, was a light-hearted story of young love in the city. Maybe it wasn't an epic, important, life-changing manga. But it was my cherished outpouring of all my best ideas, emotions, and efforts.

My publisher rejected it. Not good enough.

Failure. It's a failure. I'm a failure.

I can feel my eyes wetting my cheeks as I take my tool and slash it across my beloved creation. It doesn't matter what I do in the future. No matter how many harsh deadlines I barely make thanks to sleepless nights, no matter what recognition I might receive, no matter which ideas of mine may be accepted…this is the failure that will define me. Any small, sweet success will be tainted with the taste of sour tears, because the true great work of mine, the one that represents everything I am, want, can do, is simply not good enough.

I wipe my eyes, try to dry myself. I have a deadline to meet for tomorrow, and I have no more minutes that I can waste. I gather my best-loved work, scarred and soaked in sadness, and drop it in the waste bin. Yesterday I worked at my chosen life's profession; today I labor at my job.

I am Reiko. This is a world which no longer holds joyful promise for me, for I have outgrown such illusion.


	8. For Love and Madness

_Disclaimer_: This is a disclaimer and says disclaimery things, like about not owning things and not making money and such.

**For Love and Madness**

I should just leave him there.

He knew there would be consequences. He knew he would be punished for his selflessness. Souma brought this fate on himself with his foolish defiance of Orochi, and now he pays the price, trapped, petrified both in body and senses. He cannot move, see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. A fate worse than death, to be sure--at least when you're dead, your own thoughts can't drive you insane as they rattle against each other deafeningly, forever reminding you that you're trapped. Incarcerated because you foolishly gave your freedom to protect the happiness of someone dear to you.

That ignorant fool! He's had a free, happy life because of _my_ sacrifice. He's known what it is to have family that loves him, to build happy memories, to be respected, liked, and successful. Because _I_ gave him the chance! And that fool…he takes it all for granted! He just threw everything he had away without a thought for that girl!

So this is how much he appreciates the gift I foolishly gave years of my life, my dignity, and my sanity to award him. Damned fool. This sort of idiocy must run in our family.

Well, if he wants to follow in my footsteps so badly, I should let him do it fully. I took my imprisonment for the sin of fighting evil, so let him.

I should just leave him there, really. Go back and watch those silly priestesses battle Orochi. Leave Souma to suffer in bitter, painless agony, like I did, while the one he saved goes on, probably squandering his gift. Let the solitude corrupt him until he hates the Solar Priestess for being someone he loved enough to do this for. Let the hate and love make war in his mind and leave it a broken battlefield.

Anger flares up in me. Anger because he won't. He won't! No matter how long he stands an unmoving stone, he'll never be like me. He's too good. He'll never feel a petty resentment against her. Only love! Gladness that could he help her! _He's_ the one who understands consequences and punishment, not me.

He's like me, and he's better than me. I _hate_ him all the more for this! And I hate him for making me proud of him for it! I hate that I love how truly great it is!

I should leave him there. Because looking at him like this, a beautiful sacrifice I could never be as fully, is making me mad. Madder, at least.

The priestesses are almost done. They'll seal Orochi away, to return again later. Pointless. Alone, they'll never have the power to end him. Only prolong him.

Hmph. Souma could tip the scales now. He could strike a final, finishing blow to destroy the evil god once and for all.

I _should_ just leave him. But neither of us is very good at doing what we should do. So why not free my hated, beloved brother instead?

I am Tsubasa. Love and hate are no coin to me, but sides of a blade, and I walk its razor edge.


	9. Agony Hidden in Cheer

_Disclaimer_: I've probably written this close to 100 times in my fanfiction career so far, but here it is again: Don't own, don't profit, don't sue.

**Agony Hidden in Cheer**

Silly Neck 3 is such a baby, nya! Complaining about Nekoko's nice shots, demanding pity…how naïve! Pity won't help him, only lots more helpful shots, nya! He sure is being a grump about it though…mean old Neck 3, I'm just helping you!

Hm, Neck 3 reminds Nekoko of herself before she was Nekoko, nya. I hated shots, too! They hurt lots, and each time I got them, something in Nekoko's head would hurt for a long time…

Stop squirming, Neck 3, nya! Stop whining! Nekoko squirmed lots when Mommy and Daddy and their science friends put her in the Ouchy-Chair for tests--it doesn't do any good to struggle, nya! And I would beg and cry to Mommy and Daddy to stop it--it doesn't do any good to plead! All that ever happened was that they'd shake their heads and say Nekoko must be a good girl, because this was all for her own good, nya!

And it was true, nya! I used to think in much different ways back then…all the treatments and different pains made me into a new person, and that's Nekoko! Sometimes I try to be like I used to be, but it's no use, nya! Nekoko is Nekoko for good! It hurt, but Mommy and Daddy changed me for the better! And it hurt when they left because they decided Nekoko had too much…what did they call it? "Behavioral side effects?" Something bad, I guess, but that's okay, Nekoko made special friends with meow-meows and was better than ever, nya! So it's okay if it hurts for Neck 3 to get shots, because he'll be better for it, just like I was! And it's okay if it hurts for people when Orochi makes a better world, because when he does, no one will ever have to hurt again, nya! Hoping for pity is pointless, it doesn't exist, and it would just delay what you need anyway.

I am Nekoko. It's a horrible truth, but I know that "no pain, no gain" is true firsthand, nya.


	10. What it is to Have Faith

_Disclaimer_: You know, Adultfanfiction dot net has this new little thing where they automatically stick a disclaimer on every story, without the author having to do so themselves. Given that this site also has a mandatory policy about saying that you don't own the work you're writing about and make no profit off of writing it (which is what I'm saying right now), you'd THINK that MAYBE they might ALSO adopt such a thing. Hint, hint.

_Author's Note_: Thank you for reading this fanfic, and for your reviews. This will be the final installment, though I hope it might inspire some readers to go back and reread the chapters that have led up to it in a new light.

**What it is to Have Faith**

I'm silly to believe.

I know I'm foolish. I'm sure Souma thinks so, even as he pledges to support me in every way he can. To still hope and trust that Chikane has good intentions, that she can be saved, that she's good...it's more than foolish. It's naive to the point of stupidity.

She...she's hurt me, in so many ways...in the worst way. There's...there's no reason to trust her. No reason to believe.

But I _have_ to.

Maybe it's idiocy. Maybe it's insanity. Maybe it's weakness. Probably all of those things...but it's who I am, who I _want_ to be. Chikane's a part of me...my most cherished part. If I lose my faith...I'll lose something about me that I can _never_ replace.

I think one of the worst things that can happen to a person must be to lose their faith. Faith in people's goodness, faith in their religion, faith that the future can hold good things...or faith in your most cherished friend, who you love above anything else. What kind of unhappy existence, what kind of despairing person, is born when you lose such a monumentally important piece of yourself as faith?

All the evidence says I'm wrong. Chikane has betrayed us, hurt Souma, spoken of accepting Orochi, and r...hurt me. Logic says she's truly lost to darkness. And logic is very important...but so is belief. And belief means trusting even in the face of adversity, no matter how great. That's the path I choose, stupid, crazy, and weak as it may be.

I am Himeko. Belief is a weakness and belief is a strength, and I refuse to relinquish it.


End file.
